“Life is lived forwards but understood backwards.”
I believe that my Christian preaching professor was quoting someone else when he spoke these words in class more than eight years ago, but I attribute them to him and have never forgotten them.
Back in perhaps late October or early November (I don’t remember now), the women’s minister at my church called me. The speaker they had lined up for their Fall Women’s Coffee event had cancelled; would I step in. I agreed. With less than a month to prepare I prayed for a text for the coffee event. The Lord kept leading me to Matthew 6:25-34, “Do not be anxious…”.
By God’s grace, I gave the same talk at two different times on this passage on November 13. I said that the answer to incessant anxiety or worry even when our circumstances are grim is believing and knowing that God is a good father who loves us.
Life was going pretty well, by the way.
Then four days after I gave this talk, I had an unusual thing happen that prompted me to seek a colonoscopy.
The colonoscopy showed I had ulcerative colitis (UC), an auto-immune disease that attacks the colon. Ironically, my husband had suffered from the same disease for the past 12 years and we both had UC in the same spots of our colons!
On the heels of grappling with a new diagnosis, just two weeks after my colonoscopy, our 4 year old son went to the bathroom and also had an unusual thing happen. He was too young to have this disease and it would be too coincidental if he and I would “get” it at the same time!
After a tumultuous two months and some odd weeks of doctor’s visits, blood work, stool samples and tears, he finally had a colonoscopy two weeks ago that revealed colitis. Three days after his colonoscopy, he began having abdominal pain. This led to him being hospitalized last week with pancreatitis and learning that his colitis is in fact Crohn’s colitis. Two days after being home from the hospital, I fell ill very quickly. I went to the doctor just this Saturday and learned I had bronchitis and what she thought was a virus. She didn’t test me for the flu. Sunday I thought I was going to die. Yesterday I tested positive for the flu.
Two Mondays ago, hours before we took Philip to the ER, I listened to the talk I gave that November morning for the first time despite the fact that I hate listening to my voice. I listened to myself, an earlier self without any real problems, talk about trusting in God’s goodness and his love for us as our Father. I listened to myself say that when we take our eyes off of our circumstances and place them on the goodness and love of God we find relief from our anxiety and worry.
I believe often times it is the teacher who learns the most when he/she prepares to teaches. I don’t know if God gave that message for anyone in those rooms on November 13, but I do know I needed the message. Perhaps I didn’t need the message on Nov. 13, but I needed it last week, this week, and even today. I don’t think it was a coincidence that the Fall Women’s Coffee speaker cancelled or that God put the Matthew 6 text on my heart. He knew that I was about to enter into a time when I would possibly question his goodness and his love for me. He knew that I was about to face a diagnosis of my own and of my beloved son’s. He knew that I was about to go through the ringer of physical exhaustion and face situations that would cause great worry.
Perhaps I still don’t understand looking backwards why these things have taken place (I don’t know if I ever should), but I do understand looking backwards that God was reminding me of his goodness and love (and even had me teach on it!) on the cusp of when I would need reminding of it the most.
I don’t know what’s going on in your world, but perhaps you, too, need reminding of God’s love and goodness. If so, you can listen to the talk I gave here.